On Cleaning Out My Watchlist
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I just cut 3,300 movies down to 1,130. It was easier than I thought ‘cuz I’m riddled with stacks upon stacks of poor (see: controversial) movie opinions. I hate The Godfather. Isn’t that awful? I don’t like Suspiria. Isn’t that worse? 2001: A Space Odyssey is just fine. E-gads! I’ll take the Resident Evil movies over all of ‘em. Oh, gods! This guy’s insufferable! It would take tens of philosophers to screw in a lightbulb, and tens more to understand my methodology. It’s likely not even I will. Yet I know as much as it isn’t right, it isn’t wrong! (Damn straight, I’m playing Devil’s Advocate for myself!) When it comes to experiencing art, to go against the status quo can’t be wrong if you’re following pathos instead of some overbearing pick-me contrarian ‘tude! Number One Son, I didn’t pick this life, this life chose me! It’s just the popular consensus, baby! Art is subjective, and oh boy am I. All I know are my whirlwind of my emotions. Life is short. My watchlist was long. Still is. But less so. ‘Nuff said. Here’s how I did it.
1. Don’t keep it if it’s American.
Holy shit!
This isn’t a hardset rule, just a hardset rule for now. There’s been a cyclic rigamarole of 4/10 to 6/10 movies that roll through every few months. Like clockwork. Couldn’t tell you I’ve been digging this stuff, so I’m axing it for the foreseeable future. Why do that when I can just slap on some mecha anime?
2. If it’s American, it needs to look like the shittiest thing ever made.
Aha! The first exception! Yes! I’m talkin’ Big Ass Spider. I’m talkin’ 2012, the last year on the Mayan calendar type movie. The realllll stinkers. I want stuff that’s gonna make me angry, that’s gonna make me yell! So bad it’s good bullshit that’ll sear my bones! Unfortunately, this means stuff like the Spawn movie will slip through the cracks, but for every Spawn, you have five Resident Evil flicks, and that’s the shit I’m talking about.
3. Some American movies stay.
Why not? Contradicting Rule 1 here, but I don’t care. I made the rules. Mission Impossible stays. Bakshi stays. If it’s a noir, I’ll watch it eventually. Even if your name is L.A. Confidential. Ever since I read my grandparents’ compendium of Sherlock cases the stuff’s been ingrained in the deep of my irises. Point is, some Americans stay. Fast & Furious forever. Family. Directors I like, I’ll keep watching, like Mann and Scorsese.
Exception: The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button. I’d sooner recreate the first episode of Black Mirror.
4. On Europee-ing.
They stay if I want them to. If the director is Mega Diddy, they’re gone. Most of these are gonna be some good pulpy noirs. No no pulp, please.
5. If it’s Japanese, the older samurai movies gotta go.
Not forever! This isn’t a hardset rule. The movies I’ve watched, like your Yojimbos, your Bashos, and your Harakiris are rich with drama but flat in interest for me. I find my eyes stretching to either side of the screen and flicking up my mouse or remote to check the duration. Doesn’t happen with the newer samurai dramas, like Miike’s reinterpretation of 13 Assassins, and this isn’t to say they don’t have their place, or their audience! All I’m saying is that that audience is not me.
6. If it’s an Asian crime drama, it stay stay staaayyssss.
Now, crime dramas! For every samurai flick I don’t enjoy, there’s a handful more of yakuza movies I’ll never forget. What can I say? I’m a sucker for the classics. (Unless you’re American, apparently! Grah!) Takeshi Kitano’s impressionable little face needs to be plastered all over every single blank surface of my walls. There’s something about the world beneath our world, intricate plotting which is much more messy in the life of the real, yet made so clean and so cutthroat in cinema. We’ve all got our biases - and mine is a damn good thriller.
8. If it’s anime, it gets to stay.
Probably.
Exception 1 : No Game No Life 0. (Never again.)
Exception 2: Sword Art Online Movies. (One was enough.)
Exception 3: Any recap movie. (Just skip to Madoka Movie 3.)
Exception 4: Mamoru Hosoda. (Exception 4 1/2: I WILL be watching Summer Wars.)
Exception 5: Pom Poko.
9. Therefore, all cartoons stay.
Kind of. The raunchy ones, a la (previously mentioned) Bakshi, Son Of The White Mare, Aeon Flux…all that fun stuff. Newer Pixar, ehhh, not so much.
10. Disregard all previous rules.
Let’s be honest - as soon as I finish writing this, there’s no way I’m gonna follow this contradictory, floppy ruleset! I won’t so much as remember it! I’m just gonna do what I’m gonna do…follow my gut and do whatever the hell I wanna do. As my favorite Shadow The Hedgehog AMV told me, through Bon Jovi’s washed up pipes, “It’s My Life”.
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